Being a senior in college is stressful. Being a senior in college while raising a child is even MORE stressful. The older I get the harder it is for me to concentrate on one thing at a time. I will be in the middle of writing a paper and realize I still have to make dinner, finish the load of laundry I put in, take the dog to the groomer, and help my stepdaughter with her math homework whilst pretending to know what I am doing.
This may not seem like a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it is to me. By the time I get back to writing my paper, I am completely off track. What are the effects of reactive attachment disorder again? WHY did I decide to go back to college at 30? Furthermore what was I thinking entering into a field where I will need at least a Master’s Degree?
Everyone else thinks I am crazy…maybe they are right? NO. No, they are wrong. I went back to college because I am driven to succeed. I LOVE helping people. I LOVE talking to people and, most importantly, I LOVE listening to people. I think these are the 3 reasons I decided to enter into the field of psychology.
I love to learn how the brain works and how our neurological make-up in the womb can affect who we are for life. Fascinating stuff. It blows my mind.
I have a close friend who tells me I am a “closet nerd”. I embrace that wholeheartedly. I like to read, I like video games, I like really off the wall movies, and I like learning. These are all traits that I did not discover about myself until my late twenties.
Well…at least I did not admit it to myself until then. I may have known all along. Some voice deep within me told me I was never good enough and would never amount to anything.
Knowing what I know now, I know where that voice came from and I know how to tell it to shut the hell up. Every once in a while that voice tries to sneak up on me when I am facing a challenge as a bonus mom.
I am faced with new dilemmas and things from my past every day as a bonus mom. I am growing and learning, struggling and failing, and doing the best I can. A million thoughts run through my ADD brain. Trying to sort through them and deal fairly with my stepchild can be a struggle, but I am learning and growing. Still failing at times, but doing the best I can.
I have found that being brutally honest with my stepdaughter helps. She knows she can always come to me for the truth and I find a bit of comfort in that. There were times when I was a young girl when I just wished people would listen to me instead of telling me what to do and how I should feel.
I have gotten her into journaling because she, like me, is not good at expressing her feelings outwardly. I know the importance of needing to get those emotions out, so I tell her it is OK if she does not want to talk to me, but she needs to talk to herself. So she writes.
She is still stubborn, she still talks back, she still thinks she “knows it all”, but I have seen a difference in her since she began journaling. Maybe she is filling up that journal with all of her thoughts about how evil I am…that’s okay.
